This WAYNE'S WORD Is Dedicated
To The Worldwide Virus Epidemic

You are probably wondering--can plants get viruses and sexually transmitted diseases? The answer in an unequivocal YES! Probably the most dreaded sexually transmitted disease of the plant kingdom is known in botanical circles as "anther smut." This debilitating fungal disease causes the male organs of flowers to blacken with smut spores. In advanced stages, the flower shrivels and falls off. The prognosis of a full blown case of anther smut is grim, and medical science has not yet found a cure. This heart- breaking malady is spread by promiscuous insects who are not practicing "safe pollination."

In today's world of epidemic sexually transmitted diseases it is more important than ever to be monogamous or celibate; however, an asexual life of computer abstinence can be rather boring and uninteresting. The following WAYNE'S WORD suggestions may protect your immune system and preserve the integrity of your hard drive:

1. Never swap floppies with people you don't know--at least have coffee with them first and find out about their computing life style.

2. Always test questionable floppies (that may contain a virus) on someone else's computer.

3. Beware of pirated executable programs that your friends want you to try. Always insist that they load it on their hard drive first and promise to run the program daily during the viral incubation period.

4. Do not be afraid to use foolproof oral contraceptives such as: "Not now dear," or "I would rather not--but thanks anyway," or "I have a headache."

5. If you suspect that your favorite plant is infected by a sexually transmitted disease, do not attempt to cover individual flowers with a prophylactic device--simply cover the entire plant with a transparent, plastic table cloth.

6. Always scan questionable floppies with a good virus checker before inserting it into your drive orifice.

7. Remember that sealed, cellophane prophylactics around floppies are not always completely safe.

8. Immunize your hard drive with a TSA (Terminate & Stay Aroused) antivirus program. At the first sign of a virus, withdraw your floppy and disinfect immediately.

9. Other than irreparable damage to your reputation, there is probably little danger of infection from viewing erotic pictures on Internet Newsgroups; but be suspicious of executable programs of unknown origin.

Addendum: Unlike unprotected floppy disks and ZIP disks, compact disks (CDs) cannot be directly infected by a computer virus; however, viruses from hard drives can be saved to writable CDRs and CDRWs. CDs are vulnerable to many other destructive agents. Some of the most damaging, non-viral agents that ruin CDs include melted suckers, crazy glue and wet-patch roofing cement.

The pointing device for computers is called a mouse. When replacing that trusty mouse, remember to check which port it is connected to. For example, it may be connected to a PS/2 port or a serial port. It is also important to specify which type of mouse you have. The ubiquitous Old World mammal that commonly invades houses in North America is identified by the specific epithet of Mus musculus. Incidentally, the plural of both the electronic mouse and the mammalian mouse is mice. When trapping the Old World mouse in an ordinary mouse trap, a sticky glob of peanut butter often works better than cheese. A quick mouse may be able to snatch a piece of cheese and avoid the metal arm of the trap.