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Volume 4 (Number 2) Summer 1995

This WAYNE'S WORD Is Dedicated
To The Worldwide Virus Epidemic

  • Can The Movie "Outbreak" Become A Reality With Computer Viruses?

  • Can One Little Monkey Provide Enough Antiserum To Save A Town?

  • Can Plants Be Infected By The HIV Virus And Get "Full Blown" AIDS?     

  • How To Protect Yourself In Today's Promiscuous Electronic World!

  • Things NOT To Do If You Are Intimate With A Plant Or A Computer

Protect Your Floppies

See Biological Viruses vs. Computer Viruses

Sexual conjugation involves the exchange of data files between intimate partners. This data may be in the form of DNA files (genes) stored on chromosomes or binary files stored on floppy disks. Opportunistic viruses take advantage of this important exchange of information--often rendering one or both partners sick, sterile or dead. Some viruses hide in binary files of the infected host and are passed to other hosts by the indiscriminate use of infected floppy disks, or by careless downloading over modems. They may remain dormant and innocuous until you attempt to boot that neat little program that was given to you by a close friend (or jilted ex-lover). Although computer viruses can be devastating to your hard drive, there is no evidence of them infecting humans (with the possible exception of severe paranoia accompanied by obsessive-compulsive cleanliness). There is also very little danger of computer viruses mutating into airborne strains as portrayed in the movie "Outbreak."

You are probably wondering--can plants get viruses and sexually transmitted diseases? The answer in an unequivocal YES! Probably the most dreaded sexually transmitted disease of the plant kingdom is known in botanical circles as "anther smut." This debilitating fungal disease causes the male organs of flowers to blacken with smut spores. In advanced stages, the flower shrivels and falls off. The prognosis of a full blown case of anther smut is grim, and medical science has not yet found a cure. This heart- breaking malady is spread by promiscuous insects who are not practicing "safe pollination."

See The Heartbreak Of Anther Smut

In today's world of epidemic sexually transmitted diseases it is more important than ever to be monogamous or celibate; however, an asexual life of computer abstinence can be rather boring and uninteresting. The following WAYNE'S WORD suggestions may protect your immune system and preserve the integrity of your hard drive:

1. Never swap floppies with people you don't know--at least have coffee with them first and find out about their computing life style.

2. Always test questionable floppies (that may contain a virus) on someone else's computer.

3. Beware of pirated executable programs that your friends want you to try. Always insist that they load it on their hard drive first and promise to run the program daily during the viral incubation period.

4. Do not be afraid to use foolproof oral contraceptives such as: "Not now dear," or "I would rather not--but thanks anyway," or "I have a headache."

5. If you suspect that your favorite plant is infected by a sexually transmitted disease, do not attempt to cover individual flowers with a prophylactic device--simply cover the entire plant with a transparent, plastic table cloth.

6. Always scan questionable floppies with a good virus checker before inserting it into your drive orifice.

7. Remember that sealed, cellophane prophylactics around floppies are not always completely safe.

8. Immunize your hard drive with a TSA (Terminate & Stay Aroused) antivirus program. At the first sign of a virus, withdraw your floppy and disinfect immediately.

9. Other than irreparable damage to your reputation, there is probably little danger of infection from viewing erotic pictures on Internet Newsgroups; but be suspicious of executable programs of unknown origin.


Unlike unprotected floppy disks and ZIP disks, compact disks (CDs) cannot be directly infected by a computer virus; however, viruses from hard drives can be saved to writable CDRs and CDRWs. CDs are vulnerable to many other destructive agents. Some of the most damaging, non-viral agents that ruin CDs include melted suckers, crazy glue and wet-patch roofing cement.

Some Notes About Your Mouse

The pointing device for computers is called a mouse. When replacing that trusty mouse, remember to check which port it is connected to. For example, it may be connected to a PS/2 port or a serial port. It is also important to specify which type of mouse you have. The ubiquitous Old World mammal that commonly invades houses in North America is identified by the specific epithet of Mus musculus. Incidentally, the plural of both the electronic mouse and the mammalian mouse is mice. When trapping the Old World mouse in an ordinary mouse trap, a sticky glob of peanut butter often works better than cheese. A quick mouse may be able to snatch a piece of cheese and avoid the metal arm of the trap.

Three mice caught in three mouse traps: A. PS/2 Mouse, B. Serial Mouse and C. Dead Mouse (Mus musculus).

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